As a result of this do you end of spreading yourself too thin to please people, by saying yes to anything and all that is asked of you?

In this post I’m going to give you 3 tips on the art of saying no.

As an empath woman this is something that I struggled with over the years and it’s something that I chose to teach myself through different processes, making incremental changes along the way to get different results.

If you were raised in a dysfunctional home where there was a lot of turbulence in your household, then you will have learnt to pick up on energies in your environment, to determine very quickly whether it is a safe environment or disruptive and unsafe.

This leads to children who experienced these environments becoming empaths later on in life. Empaths tend to want to please people around them, in order to keep the peace. Not upset the apple cart, in an attempt to keep their environment as harmonious as they can.

As a result of this they will tend to knock themselves out later in life, trying to help everyone around them and say yes to everything that’s asked of them through guilt of causing others to feel upset, let down, angry, disappointed….…….the list goes on.

They’ll end up saying yes, yes, yes, despite their own needs. Pushing their own needs aside to accommodate many around them. Causing them to feel unsupported, burnt out and at times resentful and frustrated.

So let’s jump into the tips that helped me on my journey in the art of saying no to avoid you giving too much of yourself and leaving nothing left for you.

Tip 1 – GIVE YOURSELF SPACE

Give yourself some space and time to decide if you:

• want to do what is being asked of you
• have the time to fit it into your own schedule

By using one of these simple sentences, “I will let you know”, “I’ll get back to you”.

If somebody asks you to do something for them, then use this simple tool to allow yourself the time to figure out if you do want to do it, if you don’t, or if you’ve the time to fit it into your life.

If the answer is yes you do want to do it and yes you have time, work out when you have the time so that you can give them a window of when you can do it.

This simple little tool gave me some space to be able to decide “do I want to do this?” If I do want to do this then, “okay when can I fit that in?”

I would then give them the option of “yes I can do that on this date, at this time”.

If they would then push for a different day and time that I knew would leave me rushing around, I would say, “unfortunately the only time I can do it is on this date”.

Sounds simple, right? Well just by saying “I’ll get back to you” helps you to create space and time for you to consider it properly.

Tip 2 – CONSIDER HOW YOU WOULD FEEL

The second thing that I chose to consider was if somebody said no to me, if I asked somebody something and they said “I’m really sorry Michelle, I can’t do that”, how would I feel about it?

Would I be acceptant of their response?

Would I think, that’s really out of order?

No of course I wouldn’t! I would understand that they have a lot on or it’s not for them and be absolutely fine with it. So I had to reprogram my own mind to think, they will be the same.

To understand that it’s okay to say no! If it’s said in a loving way, it’s not a bad thing.

If we’re constantly giving and giving and giving to everyone around us, especially if we’re the type of person that tends to be of a healing energy, then people will be drawn to you that are broken birds with broken wings, wanting you to help as they are drawn to that energy.

Yes it is a beautiful thing to be able to help others but you also have to know when to retreat a little to replenish yourself because otherwise you’ll end up burnt out.

Tip 3 – CONSIDER THE ENERGY YOU BROADCAST

The third and most important thing that I chose to consider was, if I was constantly giving my time and energy to people and in the back of my mind I was struggling to fit it in due to other commitments in my own schedule and my feet were peddling fast beneath the surface of the water to stay afloat, then what energy was I turning up to those situations with?

One of care and love, or one of resentment and frustration?

Remember that we are projecting energy all the time from our emotions, thoughts and in particular our feelings (whether hidden or not).

We may be coming to a situation of helping somebody with the smile on our face on the external however internally we may be feeling frustrated about it and those feelings are vibrating at a lower vibration.

So although you’re actually trying to help, you’re actually entering that situation with a vibration of maybe resentment and that’s the complete opposite of actually what you really want to be projecting.

So to conclude:

Saying no is not a bad thing, it’s okay to say no and if it’s too difficult to say no at first then incrementally build it up by different practices.

Number one give yourself the time, “I will let you know or ‘I’ll get back to you”, that’s okay to say. In that time you can actually then sit there and think about whether you want to do it, whether you’ve got time to do it and then give them a window of when you can do it if you choose to do it.

The post People Pleasers – The Art Of Saying NO! appeared first on Heartcentred Wellbeing.

After the break up of my last relationship, yet another boomerang relationship of back and forth, usually I would have jumped back onto the dating sites for some sort of validation. To know that I’m still desired, still loveable.

For whatever reason, it had become a habit. I’d be in a long-term relationship and then as soon as the relationship ended, out my phone would come and boom, I’d jump back on to the dating sites, quicker than you could say “ do you really want to sign up again?”.

The problem was that the types of people that I was meeting and attracting were quite similar in their characters. I saw a pattern emerging. Sound familiar?

This time was different though. This time I chose to do something different. As Einstein said “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I wanted to take some time to actually discover what it was in me that was drawing in this pattern, these personalities, these experiences.

In my own work I’ve learned that whatever we see a pattern, things we are seeing on the outside, shows us a reflection of something that is being brought to our own awareness in ourselves. It is the universal energies way of showing you that whether there is a pattern, there’s something to discover within you. There was one common denominator in all of those relationships, and that was me!

Energetically, vibrationally, I was drawing in similar characters just in different meat suits, so I wanted to take that time to find out exactly what it was in me that needed healing for me to draw in somebody very different next time.

So I put myself on an eight-month man-ban, why eight months? I wanted a length of time that was substantial enough for me to dig deep. I made a commitment to myself to stick to it. Not a half-hearted ‘Oh let’s give it a ‘TRY’. It was a ‘I’m doing this whatever, however uncomfortable it gets!” and in order to stick to it I specifically gave myself a date when it ended. A goal to work towards.

Why is it important to commit to yourself?

When I was in a long term relationship, as I’m sure many empaths can relate, I would try everything to make sure they worked for a number of reasons:

• Fear of upsetting someone
• I didn’t want to fail
• To avoid the feelings of abandonment & loss
• People pleasing to avoid someone not liking me, loving me
• My tenacious personality of not wanting to give up

Regardless of how people treated me, regardless of their behaviour, their actions. Rather than pay attention to the signs, my boundary setting was so blurred that I would try everything, absolutely everything before I threw in the towel.

I wanted to find out exactly why I was accepting behaviours that didn’t align with my own and what it was that needed acknowledging and healing in me. So I buckled up, put my big girl pants on and went on my eight month journey.

Setting Boundaries and working on Self is not Selfish

Where better place to start the journey than with the SELF, working on all things self. Many times as empaths, especially if you’re an emapth parent, we’ve adopted an idea that spending time, money, care on ourselves, saying no, is a selfish act. As others need your time, care, money, energy etc. However just as they explain on the aeroplane whilst in flight, if the plane goes down, ‘Put your mask on first before helping others’.

Self care, Self love, Self worth, Self-worth, Self-inquiry, Self-reflection, all of these things I intuitively knew, could bring me the answers to the healing what was obviously needed in order for me to draw in a different type of personality in the future.

Prior to setting boundaries, Self Love & Self Care is needed

Now when I say self-love and self-care I don’t mean having a bubble bath. I mean finding out how you want to be loved, because I don’t think I actually knew how I wanted to be loved. I’d adopted an idea from my own upbringing of what love was. However, it was a pretty dysfunctional idea from my upbringing.

Find out exactly what it is that you want to be loved that align with your values. When you know it yourself then not only can you give that to another person but you can also know what to allow, choose and accept into your life by resetting your thermostat.

Self-care is not about painting your toenails. Of course those things make you feel nice but self-care is about finding and rediscovering what it is that lights your soul.

• What it is that beings you Joy?
• What makes you smile/laugh?
• What lights your soul?
• What makes you feel connected to the true you?

In order to find this out I chose to try different things that used to light me up when I was younger, when the creativity, joy and passion was burning brightly with no restraints.

• Roller skating
• Dancing
• Paddle boarding
• Art

So that I could really start to work out what it was that lights my soul and makes me feel alive. What it was that brings me joy because when you’re focused on somebody else all the time you kind of let yourself be the last one that you think about.

Self Worth

Then obviously we come to a biggie, self-worth! Now self-worth for me was finding my boundaries. What was acceptable? Many things we experienced as children, form our view of the world, our expectations and our levels of acceptance.

In my own childhood growing up, I saw from my own parents a boomerang relationship, leaving, getting back together. Arguments, levels of violence, secrecy and all of this being accepted. So for me I had to reset those boundaries, finding out what was truly acceptable for me. What I choose to allow because ultimately people will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you.

Self Discovery, Self Inquiry & Self Reflection

These three areas are the umbrella over all of the areas above. In order to start this journey, we first need awareness. Without this, we will spend our time blaming rather than looking within. When we live a life of blaming we are avoiding the fundamental callings we are being shown to grow.

You cannot see what is needed within when you are spending all your time and energy focusing out.

Is it uncomfortable, yes, absolutely, I’m not going to pretend otherwise. However nothing amazing was ever achieved by staying in your comfort zone.

Does it take courage to do this work, yes but some of the most rewarding work you can do is to invest in yourself.

Only then will you draw in something very different next time.

The post An Empaths guide to setting boundaries appeared first on Heartcentred Wellbeing.